The Shittiest Guys at Your Gym

  1. The Dreamer

The dreamer has plans, LOTS of really great plans to get fit. He’s got all the self-help books, journals, and apps. Somewhere on his hard drive is a Word Doc with a list of links to the "Most Inspiring Transformations of All Time." He’s dedicated way too much time towards imagining his life after getting fit. Haven’t seen him around?

No sh*t... you won’t be finding him at the gym near you...anytime soon.

  1. The Planner

At least the planner dude is AT the gym. Of course… most of his time is spent ON his ass while he fills out a “P.O.A.” for his workout that day. Every itty-bitty detail makes the list; from number of reps to goals for his next workout. It’s all fine and good but uh… some of us came to work out.

  1. The Vocalizer

One of the most obvious to spot within the gym walls is the vocal man-beast. This wild animal survives the hostile 9-5 work environment only to release a lifetime of disappointments on the unsuspecting inhabitants of his local watering hole... er, gym. Whether it’s grunting, shouting, or throwing fitness equipment like a wild ape on a rampage- you’ll know when he’s arrived.

  1. Chatty Kathy

He knows everyone’s name at the gym and will talk to absolutely anyone who makes eye contact. You can find him recounting his last vacation in excruciating detail. Usually completes a 60-minute workout in a three-hour time frame.

  1. The Salesman

This guy doesn’t just have a great product, he’s got a great opportunity. In fact, his supplement can make just about all your dreams come true short of month-long orgasms, and you TOO can make butt-loads of money shamelessly harassing other gym-goers. It’s not a pyramid scheme though - totally legit. For real. You can read the reviews online.

  1. The Contestant

Perfect physique. This guy looks like an advertisement for Adobe Illustrator as you’re sure that his abs are photoshopped. Spends about 12 weeks out of the year looking like a traffic cone to get a tan so orange, even Trump is jealous. He keeps to himself aside from the occasional creatine/protein convo. You’d be worried he’d steal your girl, but he’s too damn busy counting his f*cking macros.

  1. Average Joe

This guy didn’t actually make the list of shitty gym people. He didn’t come to show off, compete, or bullshit. He actually finishes his workouts before the staff tries to kick him out and returns to the real world a better person. You won’t find him hogging the bench press machine every f*cking Monday and he’ll actually re-rack his weights.

He’s the quiet, unsung hero of the fitness world.

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